I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
— Mark Twain

Journey at Your Own Pace

Have you ever undergone an experience in which your fears seemed groundless, and yet you felt paralyzed and unable to take action?

Fears aren’t about logic, and so we can easily stay stuck in the battleground, dealing with demons that we can’t quite name, unable to make the shift to the classroom where we can learn from our experiences. (By the way, just acknowledging that you’ve had such an experience puts you immediately into the classroom!)

My son swims like a fish and loves the water. That wasn’t always the case. I remember taking him to swimming lessons and watching him sit by the side of the pool while the other children splashed through the class. The teacher begged him to jump in. No way. His dad and I got into the water and promised to catch him. That made no difference. I tried bribing him with toys, food, television—anything that I thought would work. Nothing made the slightest difference.

I kept up the lessons off and on for about eighteen months. It was a family joke that we paid for Jason to sit by the pool and dangle his feet over the edge. Then, one day I looked up from the book I was reading, and Jason was in the water. He was laughing and showing no sign of fear. After the class, I asked Jason what had made him get into the pool. He replied, “I wanted to.” A little annoyed, I made a facetious comment to the effect that obviously all these months he hadn’t wanted to.

With the wisdom of a child, Jason ignored my remark. But I think he was on to something. The desire to jump in can overcome the fear that causes us to sit on the side of life. However, we may have to give that desire, that intention, time to strengthen. We (or well-meaning friends) cannot rush the process.

I still remember my sense of helplessness in dealing with a friend, Nicki, when she sold her secondhand car and bought a brand new one. Nothing else had changed in Nicki’s life, yet she now felt that her car loan would propel her into starvation and a life of poverty. As a therapist, she knew that her fear came from “old stuff” with no connection to her present-day reality. But that didn’t stop her from feeling fearful.

For several months, our conversations revolved mainly around her plans to sell the car and pay off her debts. All I could do was listen. Telling her that she would be fine didn’t ease her fears any more than promising my son that I would catch him in the pool had eased his. Later, when another driver smashed into her car, Nicki had two thoughts: first, she was glad to be alive; and second, of course she could afford a car! Life was too short to spend in fear. That was the last time I heard anything about the car loan.

Interestingly, years later I talked to my son about his fear of water. He looked at me oddly and assured me that he had always loved swimming. Similarly, Nicki has shrugged off any mention that she had been concerned about her finances when she had bought her car. It seems that once we’ve conquered a dragon, it’s often easy to forget how fearful the process can be—how uncertainty can be a painful place. Not to worry. Another dragon soon appears, and we can review earlier lessons.

We need constant reminders that the emotional process of moving through fear takes time. The journey is not about logic, and it is very personal. We can’t rush or be rushed through it. We need to be gentle as we watch ourselves go through our “stuff.”

Being able to laugh certainly makes for an easier trip. And let’s not forget the importance of trust. I attended a lecture many years ago by the author Deepak Chopra. In his talk, Chopra invited us to accept uncertainty as the basic premise of life. When things don’t seem to go our way, we need to let go of our ideas of how things should be, trusting that we don’t know the larger picture, but that it’s okay. He likened this trust to surrendering to a higher power of awareness than our egos possess.

It’s that simple. But the fact that I have to remind myself of this truth time and time again means that it’s also not easy. As we move at our personal pace, we can set an intention concerning our course while releasing our attachment to a particular destination. We can remember to smile; to take deep breaths; to surround ourselves with loving, supportive people; to create a space around us that feels healthy; and to trust—trust that the Universe is unfolding as it should.