The value of another’s experience is to give us hope, not to tell us how or whether to proceed.
— Peter Block

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
— Maya Angelou

The Elusive T-Shirt

The Elusive T-Shirt We obeyed the rules, we believed in the dream, and we bought into everything, including the house with the white picket fence; we should now have it all. But still something is missing. We find ourselves instead with what feel like consolation prizes, wondering if that’s all there is.

The chapters in this book deal with the common themes of life ... themes that every human being eventually encounters. These human thematic experiences are very similar, and yet they can be approached from perspectives so different as to appear contradictory. These varying perspectives simply reflect the paradox that is life. If we become stuck in one perspective, we won’t realize that we already have the answers, and so we’ll embark on a futile hunt.

For now, call off the search. Just shift your perception of where you’ve been and what you’ve done. You’ll realize then that you have the answers you need. As Marcel Proust reminds us, we don’t need new landscapes, we need to look at our lives through new eyes.

A Matter of Perception

In this book, I invite you to share in life’s paradoxes, where many “right” answers that contradict each other are on offer. For instance, the logo on my business card shows a half-filled glass of water with the words “real choices” written across it. We all know the story about how optimists see the glass half-filled and pessimists see it half-empty. Sometimes, though, being content with the half-filled glass signals complacency and life confined to a rut; and sometimes the vision of the half-empty glass is the impetus necessary to reach for fulfillment. As Shakespeare’s Hamlet says, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Certainly my logo is a powerful reminder that perception is an interpretation, not fact. When I gave a “hot off the press” copy to a colleague of mine, she stared at it and said, “Wow. You’ve made a bold statement.” I enthusiastically agreed. She then said, “This is quite the statement.” I agreed again, more slowly, but also commented that I was sure she knew the meaning of the glass of water. She reassured me that she did. Then she leaned toward me and whispered, “Are you a recovering alcoholic?” Shocked, I told her no. And I asked where she had gotten that idea.

My colleague had thought that the words “real choices” meant “drink water, not alcohol.” A friend of hers who was a recovering alcoholic displayed many pictures of water at home as a reminder to avoid alcohol. My colleague’s perception reflected her interpretation, but that interpretation was not a fact.

Life’s Mysteries

All of us want reassurances, certainty, how-to instructions, instant fixes. But “solutions” that worked in one situation often seem inapplicable to the next—useful to one person, but not to another.

There is a mystery to life. The full picture is inaccessible, and as we try to grasp it, it constantly unfolds in new ways that we can’t begin to imagine or to understand. But, by allowing ourselves to be open to the possibilities that abound, we can actually draw to ourselves exactly what we need.

A few years ago, I was the guest speaker at a Diva Foundation function. The Diva Foundation is an organization dedicated to advancing women’s health issues. When I asked for questions at the end of my presentation, one woman noted that I had talked about the importance of laughter. What if a person didn’t know how to laugh?

I made some suggestions, but the questioner clearly had more work to do to deal with this inability on her part.

Another audience member mentioned that, although women are encouraged to take care of themselves, society typically doesn’t provide the necessary supports. When this woman, an emergency room nurse, shared with her mother that she had treated herself to a spa day, the mother’s comment was “My, aren’t we being self-indulgent!”

A while later, the time came for door prizes, and the emcee commented that the present evening’s surfeit of laughter would continue, because first prize was a pair of tickets to a comedy show. And the winner was ... the woman who didn’t know how to laugh! By the time this woman reached the front of the room to claim her prize, she was laughing and hugging various onlookers.

The second prize was a day at a spa. You can guess where this is going, right? The “self-indulgent” nurse got another chance to nurture herself.

The laughter of disbelief in the room was explosive. One woman held up her hand and shouted, “I’ve never won a million dollars!” And we all laughed some more.

Something happens when we combine awareness with a heartfelt intention to take action. I can't explain it, I don't understand it, and I don't have to do so. I just have to allow life to unfold.

Still, we’ll never have our lessons down pat. Life is a classroom in which the focus is on the journey, not the destination. As you meet yourself in the pages that follow, more questions than answers may arise, and that’s good. There are no solutions—just invitations to question our interpretation of the key events in our lives. There are reminders that we never have the full story and that, even when we think we do, we always have the opportunity to see things differently.

This is not a how-to book. You know the how. This book is a reminder of what you know.