1. What’s Been There, Done That…Now What? about?

The book deals with where we’ve been in life, what we’ve accomplished and the uncertainty – the questions that arise over what is now behind us and what is ahead of us. Sometimes these questions can cause us to panic and embark on a futile search for answers. Or the questions can cause us to falter and go into a slump where we can’t go back but neither can we go forward. The book is an invitation to pause and take stock of our lives. It is an invitation to shift our perceptions and in doing so we look at our lives through new eyes. When we do so we discover options, possibilities, and choices. We see that we already have all the answers we need within us.

2. What is the meaning of the title?

Years ago I was invited to do a workshop dealing with the pain people were experiencing even though it seemed they had it all and there wasn’t any one thing that they could point to that bringing them down. I was told that potential participants were feeling lost, no longer satisfied by the drive to climb career-wise, were questioning their relationships and who they were, were becoming aware of a faint feeling of inner emptiness that was no longer satisfied by acquiring more possessions. I was reminded of the title of that song, “Is That All There Is?” and I could identify with their feelings. By the way, I tend to teach what I’m learning!

I immediately thought of that expression: Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I thought Where’s The T-Shirt? was a good title for the workshop but decided it would be better for my next book. You know, we’ve followed all the rules for success; we’ve done the best we could and are supposed to feel we have it all. But something is missing.

While my new book was at the editor, I ran the title by others and received mixed reactions. Some people got it, others thought of that saying on t-shirts about their grandparents going to Florida and only bringing back a t-shirt! I decided to go with a title that didn’t need a great deal of explanation and then brainstormed possible titles with my brother, Geoff. As we discussed the themes of the book he commented that we’re all asking “Now what?” and I thought yes. We’ve been there, done that, now what? One of my mentors, Viktor Frankl, points out that the search for meaning in our lives is key to our existence. So the question “Now What?” in the title leads to other questions. When we pause to ask that question, the insights and choices we gain can help us to continue on our life’s journey.

3.What is the meaning behind the cover?

All my writings, my work as a therapist, and my presentations are about perception. We think we know what we’re taking in with our senses however we often have to go deeper to get a full picture. And even then there are more interpretations or shifts in perception. The cover is an invitation to discover a world of possibilities if we take the time to go beneath the obvious surface.

4. What made you decide to write this book?

Ha! The short answer: As I said earlier, I teach what I’m learning. I’m part of the baby boomer generation where we had great expectations of what our lives, our futures were going to be. Much time has passed and I find myself reflecting on what has gone by (where I’ve been and what I’ve done). At the same time I am helping myself to live in the present, acknowledging that while it is tempting to want to do the impossible and ‘find out’ what is around the corner for me (now what?), my point of power is rooted in the present. Still I’m more in touch now with my own mortality than I’ve ever been; and I’ve connected with people through my seminars and counselling practice who remind me that so much of our pain is self-inflicted. In helping them, I also learn from them. This book is one way to share these insights with a wider audience.

The long answer: As a psychotherapist I see people in pain and often they want to know how they can get out of the pain; they want the steps to make the process easy. That’s understandable. When you’re in pain you want the pain to go away, you don’t want to hear it’s a process that takes time. However you have to move through the pain, not get a magic solution or fill in the blanks on a questionnaire to jump over the hurt. There may not be any one thing but many insights, lessons that feel like regressions, tears we have to shed, and aha moments that can lead us through the process. Sometimes just talking about what hurts can create movement. People have often told me that they have felt better by simply making an appointment to see me. No exchange of information has happened but the very act of calling to make an appointment signals to ourselves that we’re serious about changing; we’re ready to shift how we are looking at a situation. That action opens us up to choices. My work is to continue to invite exploration of choices as opposed to offering quick fixes or solutions.

Many people now want to understand their pains, they want to know their choices and be involved in the healing process. This also involves giving themselves permission to feel whatever emotional pain that is stirred up along the way. The growth of alternative medicines comes from our desire to have choices and be active rather than passive in our own healing. And I knew that I was going to be writing another book to deal with the “how question”!

Wanting someone to tell us how can be a passive way of learning. We’ve gathered a wealth of insights and information through our life experiences, books we’ve read, workshops we’ve attended, movies, conversations with others and so on. Are we using that knowledge? Sometimes gathering advice and suggestions that we never put to use is a way of avoiding taking action to move through change. It can be a way of avoiding our feelings. We move from one ‘how to’ book to another and nothing changes. It’s like going to a conference or workshop and we return home fired up to make a difference but we soon sink into our familiar patterns, burying what we’ve learnt somewhere inside us. So yes we may need to hear information over and over before we remember what we’ve stored away and we can then integrate it in a way that is meaningful. As I say in the introduction, “This is not a how-to book. You know the how. This is a reminder of what you know.”

5. You mention life’s paradoxes many times. What is the significance of paradoxes?

I’m fascinated by paradoxes. By their very nature, they answer questions with many right answers that seem to contradict each other. So one chapter in the book is titled “The Answer Within” and deals with our search for answers outside ourselves where they can’t be found because we already have the answers within us. And, another chapter titled “I Know All That” deals with our haste to discount or dismiss teachings from others because we feel we know the answers already. Our views of paradoxes are link to our perceptions and since perception is an interpretation, not a fact – we can interpret situations in our lives in many different ways. People will often ask if they should leave a particular person or situation. That depends! There are no right or wrong answers. However there are choices.

6. What do you want people to take away from reading it?

We’re all on this journey called life. At times we’re going to fall or stumble. We can’t avoid it! Everybody falls; life’s lessons are about getting up. The best we can do is to be a friend to ourselves. We tend to be so critical and harsh with ourselves whenever we’re reminded that we’re not perfect. These are the times when we need a gentle friend – ourselves. Yes we do experience fear in its many disguises (anger, depression, jealousy, loneliness, boredom, busyness, inadequacy, to name a few). However we can focus on learning from it and moving through it. There are fundamental themes in life that can guide us. They are about love, forgiveness, gratitude, releasing our judgments and grievances, and living in the present moment. We can’t change the people or events in our lives. However we can choose to shift our perceptions of them. That is our point of power.